Answers....

There are times in your life that you find that all the answers have been in you but you simply could not see them when all you had were questions in your mind. You can't see clearly and you feel you are a bit out of control. I call these my hormonal moments. When things in my life seem to be in a tail spin and I don't know which way is up or down. I get absorbed in the chaos. And luckily enough I have good friends who usually can help me find stability. Over the last few months I have let little things become huge things in my eyes even though I knew they were unimportant. But thru a combination of things I have identified some of the problems I was having. And seeing them I was able to resolve a few things with myself. By no means am I saying I have fixed everything. I know I can still have hiccups with these problems but being able to see them I can get better control of them and keep myself from becoming overly effected by them. And some I still find myself questioning...

I know they say patience is a virtue, but I find it hard to obtain that certain virtue. And I find myself fed up with some situations in my life. And yes I have sometimes sabotaged some of these events for whatever reason. Or pulling myself back into a comfortable and familiar situation. Even though I knew it wasn't going to fix anything. I didn't see why I was doing it but after I took a step back and looking at it I could see a few things I couldn't/wouldn't see before. I have tried substituting things in my life to try and fill a void in my life. I did this to make myself feel better. But even though they did bring me short lived happiness I knew that they weren't what I wanted. And sadly enough I hid what I truly wanted just so I could be momentarily happy. Sometimes taking it a bit too far when I started to feel my hopes lagging. I masked a lot of things from so many people. And sometimes there was no one around to see how certain things were really effecting me.

Only I know the course of events through the last year and how they have made me feel. I have a tendency to hold a lot of true feelings inside with the exception of a few people. But doing that I hurt myself. I held so much in that slowly it all started to pour out of me for little to no reason. You need to internalize something's but you can't hold it all inside. It has to be brought out and examined and dealt with or you never get over it. And it will start to control your life. A word of caution to this tale, you must be ready to deal with the people in your life you have these issues with. You need to examine how it effects you. And then look at how it will effect those other people.

There will come a time when you are strong enough to confront those people in your life that you have unresolved problems. And you may not get closure or comfort from voicing how you feel. But realize you are the stronger person for being able to bring it out into the open. And that may help them communicate with you. How are they supposed to know you have something you need to say if you don't tell them. But they may not be able to give you anything back. Don't let this discourage you. It may just take them a little more time to see how they feel about it. But getting your feelings out and into the open will help you find a way to deal with how you let them effect you.. I am trying this in my life. I have been able to deal with some things and have been getting the courage enough to say the things I haven't been able to say in the past. In some cases it has made things better for me. And so far in others I am still waiting to see how it will pan out. But I am making the effort to make myself feel better and maybe understand things much better. And with so much changing in my life right now I won't allow myself to fall back into the same pattern. I am just proud of myself for taking the first step. Those people who know I have started to work this out with thank you for understanding what was going on with me. And those who I am still working with I understand you may not know what to say yet but don't act like I didn't say anything. And the others for giving me the kick in the butt I needed to get myself on the right track. I am doing my best to work all this out…