Reflecting

So I haven't always thought I was a good judge of character. There have been many times when I didn't do such a good job. I try not to judge a book by it's cover. Or always take what people say about a person as the absolute truth and find the truth of a person myself instead. And there have been loads of times I have been fooled by a person. Whether they were friends or some one I had a relationship with. I spent a lot of time wishing for the best from someone and while knowing they weren't giving me their best.. Does that makes sense? Wishful optimism with pessimistic expectations. That's a type of oxymoron I think but anyhow.

I know I was more prone to these things when I was younger.. Yeah you treat be badly but I keep hoping you will see that and stop and treat me better.. I didn't set out to change anyone.. Because we all know you can't change people. But it's like seeing someone walk into a door they step back and say ouch I won't do that again on purpose. People don't walk into a door and say ouch I think I want to do that again. So why do you see people treat other people badly and continually do it. Is it just because they aren't actively hurting themselves or that they don't care that they hurt other people. Yeah granted the victims of these realtionships/friendships should speak up and say something or do something but maybe they are in that vicious cycle of hoping that person hurting them will see what they are doing and stop. (Yes I know I have been the victim of this cycle myself repeatedly) And I have been the one to hurt people unknowingly. But when I was confronted about what I was doing to that person I made a point to step back and stop what I was doing wrong to that person. I speak of my present and past experiences not a single incident. And it took me a long time to speak up when I was the one being hurt.. There is that optimism again hoping they will see what they were doing to me on their own.

I don't feel this is specific to any gender, age or race. Every one does this. But while talking to a friend last night and listening to how amazing this person is in their life and how great things are. While I could see with my own two eyes that this person wasn't that amazing and things didn't look so great. I had to bite my tongue from blurting out, Are You Nuts?! I don't feel this person doesn't know their own self worth. So why are they selling themsevles short? Of course it stops me and makes me look at my own self and wonder how may times I did the same thing. Warning flags and flashing signs screaming What are you doing Jess this person is not good for you! And comparing my friend's life experiences with my own I know they were parallel sometimes. How many broken relationships/friendships were littered through our pasts. Twists and turns and delt amazing blows to our pride and emotions. Times when you don't think you can go on. But there came a point when our lives certainly took two different directions. But it made me stop and see how long I put myself through hell. And how much more I have to learn about myself and those I bring or have in my life..

I know this blog is a bit random and I rambled a bit but it was just a bit of reflection.

It's a living breathing creature trying to get out tonight

It would seem that there are forces outside my control that are helping keep me from unleashing the anger I have in me tonight. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to explain and get out the anger I have tonight in this blog when my screen just shut down. My words erased, my feeling taken with it. So the little voice in me that is struggling with exhaustion of being up for the last 41 hours. That has been trying to keep my anger from lashing out tonight got a little help keeping the anger in me that seems to be it's own living breathing animal trying to get out tonight and ripping into those who are causing me grief. I am on the brink of complete exhaustion and that makes me more susceptible to my emotions. I lose the control I have to keep my anger inside and not lash out at those who hurt me or cause me pain. Cause right now that's what I want to do and somehow the cosmos and technology have found a way to keep me from doing so. So one more night you who have angered me are safe from my wrath and turning your hurtful ways back on you. I am not a angry person as a rule. I keep my anger in and vent it when I can in safe healthy ways but riding on this wave of exhaustion I would gladly drown you all in my pain and disappointment with out a backward glance.. So I leave you with the words that reminded me of a friend who reached out to me even though I am far beyond his physical reach and reminded me of those who actually value me and don't try to placate me with their cowardly bull shit.

In loneliness, in sickness, in confusion-the mere knowledge of friendship makes it possible to endure, even if the friend is powerless to help. It is enough that they exist. Friendship is not diminished by distance or time, by imprisonment or war, by suffering or silence. It is in these things that it roots most deeply. It is from these things that it flowers." -Pam Brown

Tonight

I'm laying here tonight praying for sleep. But sleep won't come. I am missing the comfort of arms around me making me feel secure. Wishing for the faint feeling of steady breath rising and falling. Or the whisper of fingers on my face.The man in my dreams is laying with me in this bed at night. Our bodies entwined in sweet slumber. My hand resting on his chest feeling his heartbeat. My head craddled on his shoulder. His body keeping me warm all thru the night. I watch him so serene in his sleep. But tonight I am alone in this bed and dreams won't come.
There is no one here to pull me close and hold me.
So I lay awake and wonder how many nights will I lay here in this cold bed. With nothing to comfort me but my constant wish for someone to share my dream with.

Sex on Fire.....

Kings of Leon Sex on Fire.... This song is just down right addicting to me and I can't really explain to anyone why but it reminds me of some early 80s sound that I can't quite pick out but none the less here are the lyrics and go give it a try and see if it doesn't move you too...


Lay where you're laying
Don't make a sound
I know they're watching
They're watching

All the commotion
The killing of pain
Has people talking
They're talking

You
Your sex is on fire

Dark of the alley
The breaking of day
Head while I'm driving
I'm driving

Soft lips are open
Them knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying
You're dying

You
Your sex is on fire
And so
Were the words to transpire

Hot as a fever
Rattling bones
I could just taste it
Taste it

But it's not forever
But it's just tonight
Oh we're still the greatest
The greatest
The greatest

You
Your sex is on fire
You
Your sex is on fire

Consumed
by what's to transpire

And you
Your sex is on fire
Consumed
by what's to transpire.

Jessim

Ok so tonight during an enlightening conversation with Jackie I came upon the idea with her that I want to establish a new religion. The Jessism. It's a spin off of Mormons. (sp) In the mormon religion men can have as many wives as he wants but women can only have one husband. So I say my religion is women can have as many husbands as she wants but men can only have one wife.

It is nearly impossible to find a man with all the amazing quilities in one. Now let me elaborate a bit. I have had this convo with my friend Troy. Who I have come to find that he is as close as I think is possible to being the perfect man. Just not the perfect man for me. Hence we are great friends. Not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend right now either.

But back to the point at hand. In life women find that they continuly sacrifice certain aspects in every relationship big or small. Let's explain, Mary (all names have been changed to ensure privacy...lol) meets an incredible looking guy. He looks amazing, great body gorgeous face the works.. And with this he has an amazing attitude and personality. And he seems to not to have commitment issues for a lack of better words. And he can intellectualy stimulate her. Nearly a complete package. But once the intimate aspect comes to play, it falls far behind all his other amazing aspects. Whether it be his technique or lets be blunt he doesn't have the equipment to back it up. (which by the way gentlemen small or large equipment isn't nearly as big a problem if you are amazing with what you have. So don't get so hung up on this factor if you sway one way or the other. And if you find yourself reading this you know which side you fall on. wow.) So Mary finds herself sacrificing a great physical relationship because of all his other defining qualities.

Or Mary finds herself with a great looking guy who is a stallon in the sack. But his attitude just out right sucks and he can't find it in him to make a commitment to anything. Hell he can't even be solid in what he wants from you. And he can be a complete jerk. So you have a physical relationship but it soon fades because he has nothing more to offer her.

Let's go even farther into this, Mary finds herself in a relationship with a fine looking man, once again can fullfill the physical needs of the relationship and he is a complete sweetheart.. But he is dumber that a box of rocks. So once again she sacrifices something she enjoys because of the combination of attraction to him. But is soon bored to tears because all he can comprehend is the simplest of things...

And in strolls the man who makes Mary think and feel amazing things. He can hold up his side of conversation. He can satisfy her needs phsically. He has no issues with commitment but isn't what Mary would call overly attractive. This is what I see the most of because most times Mary will become more attracted to him because he completes her in the most important ways. And honestly I think this is the healthiest sacrifice to make. But by all means if you can't get beyond the outward appearance then you should end this one the quickest because this can be the most painful for both Mary and the guy. Yes it's a catch 22 I know. ( Wow Mary really gets around a lot doesn't she. And some of you would say she is easy or a slut. Don't get me started on the damn double standard on physical needs. It will get ugly and it's way too late for it.)

Now do you see what I am trying to get at? It's never all that you are looking for. Now whether that makes us to picky or complex I don't think so. Why lower your standards and your wants and needs just because no one else will raise theirs. Men do this all the time. I see more men married to complete idiots because they want a trophy and a vixen in the sack. Now I don't say this to degrade men. That is not what I am getting at. But why should anyone men or women not want the whole package and get it.

So this is where my new religion comes into play. Sorry guys you are just easier to please then us women it's a known fact that even confuses us sometimes. So Jessism will allow women to have more than one husband. One for each aspect of the whole package. If he has more than one of them then she needs one less husband to get all that she needs. One for the amazing body, one that feeds her sexual appetite, one that can compete with her on a intellectual level. One that does those amazingly sweet things like remember her favorite kind of flower and gives them to her for no reason. And one that views her with absolute devotion. See the genius in the concept. No more sacrificing what women want because no one man will give it to her.. Now this may sound selfish but hey you know what BIG DAMN DEAL. Doesn't everyone deserve to have all they want.

Now men may object to this idea because they could only have the one wife but hey we try our absolute best to mold ourselves into what men want every day. Maybe the tables need to finally turn. I guarantee you would understand us women much better this way. You would then know exactly what it is we want from you. No more guessing if you had done something wrong as long as you fullfilled your end of the bargin you signed on for. And not to mention we would then be completely happy and be able to fullfill your needs as well. Happy women always want to share the wealth with you.

Now you say my opinion maybe scewed, well I don't think so. Women for ages have sacrificed themselves for men. Or changed themselves to be what men wanted. If this isn't true you wouldn't see as many anorexic, tormented women trying to figure out what men wanted. The past has proven that women have always adapted to men's wants and needs. Hence the 1950's wife who met her husband at the door with a dry vodka martini perfectly groomed to his standards with dinner on the table and the amount of children he wanted. Who would do all the sexual acrobatics he wanted in the bedroom. Look at the other cultures of the world that are ages behind us where women can't even walk along side her huband because she is in servitude to him. Where women are used only for the means of bearing his children.

So I say let's flip the switch a bit. Whether you agree or disagree it causes you to think about it and maybe change the way you do things in your relationships. Maybe it's time we all re-evaluate ourselves and see what it is we want and need. And how we can better ourselves and others.. Ok I guess I am done for now. Getting off my soap box for tonight as it's 2:24 am. Feel free to agree or disagree but at least it's got you thinking one way or the other.

Don't let the chance pass you by

You have to let go and say your final good bye. You wish them well and start out on your own paths. You know it’s for the best but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You sever the tie and close that chapter of your life. You put away the pictures. The things you’ve done and the places you’ve been together become vague in your mind. Their memory slowly starts to fad. Happiness shared, laughter together, battle scars and tears cried become forgotten. Slowly your heart and head start to push this person into the deep depths of your past. You can no longer bring their face to mind. Their voice a distant sound in the breeze. Birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations and holidays pass and you no longer think to stop and call. Life goes on and you’ve lost a little part of youself with out even knowing it. You no longer notice or feel that slight emptiness where they used to be. Days go by and they don’t pop into your mind at those random moments any more. Just a whisper in the back of your mind that you can’t quite hear. In the time line of your life a connection, a friendship has shriveled up and died. Gone forever but you know not to shed any tears for what you have lost.....

Someone who had been in my life for long time is gone and I hadn’t realized I’d already said my final goodbye. Is there anything worse than losing a friendship who’s roots began to grow when you were just a child.

I’d never want to see you unhappy,
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost love
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?

So long my luckless happiness
My back is turned on you
I should have known you’d bring me heartache,
almost loves always do

And when you left
you told me you would never
ever forget these images the sweetest sadness in your eyes


Never miss the chance to tell someone in your life that you love them and what they mean to you because you don’t know if that will be your final goodbye.

Answers....

There are times in your life that you find that all the answers have been in you but you simply could not see them when all you had were questions in your mind. You can't see clearly and you feel you are a bit out of control. I call these my hormonal moments. When things in my life seem to be in a tail spin and I don't know which way is up or down. I get absorbed in the chaos. And luckily enough I have good friends who usually can help me find stability. Over the last few months I have let little things become huge things in my eyes even though I knew they were unimportant. But thru a combination of things I have identified some of the problems I was having. And seeing them I was able to resolve a few things with myself. By no means am I saying I have fixed everything. I know I can still have hiccups with these problems but being able to see them I can get better control of them and keep myself from becoming overly effected by them. And some I still find myself questioning...

I know they say patience is a virtue, but I find it hard to obtain that certain virtue. And I find myself fed up with some situations in my life. And yes I have sometimes sabotaged some of these events for whatever reason. Or pulling myself back into a comfortable and familiar situation. Even though I knew it wasn't going to fix anything. I didn't see why I was doing it but after I took a step back and looking at it I could see a few things I couldn't/wouldn't see before. I have tried substituting things in my life to try and fill a void in my life. I did this to make myself feel better. But even though they did bring me short lived happiness I knew that they weren't what I wanted. And sadly enough I hid what I truly wanted just so I could be momentarily happy. Sometimes taking it a bit too far when I started to feel my hopes lagging. I masked a lot of things from so many people. And sometimes there was no one around to see how certain things were really effecting me.

Only I know the course of events through the last year and how they have made me feel. I have a tendency to hold a lot of true feelings inside with the exception of a few people. But doing that I hurt myself. I held so much in that slowly it all started to pour out of me for little to no reason. You need to internalize something's but you can't hold it all inside. It has to be brought out and examined and dealt with or you never get over it. And it will start to control your life. A word of caution to this tale, you must be ready to deal with the people in your life you have these issues with. You need to examine how it effects you. And then look at how it will effect those other people.

There will come a time when you are strong enough to confront those people in your life that you have unresolved problems. And you may not get closure or comfort from voicing how you feel. But realize you are the stronger person for being able to bring it out into the open. And that may help them communicate with you. How are they supposed to know you have something you need to say if you don't tell them. But they may not be able to give you anything back. Don't let this discourage you. It may just take them a little more time to see how they feel about it. But getting your feelings out and into the open will help you find a way to deal with how you let them effect you.. I am trying this in my life. I have been able to deal with some things and have been getting the courage enough to say the things I haven't been able to say in the past. In some cases it has made things better for me. And so far in others I am still waiting to see how it will pan out. But I am making the effort to make myself feel better and maybe understand things much better. And with so much changing in my life right now I won't allow myself to fall back into the same pattern. I am just proud of myself for taking the first step. Those people who know I have started to work this out with thank you for understanding what was going on with me. And those who I am still working with I understand you may not know what to say yet but don't act like I didn't say anything. And the others for giving me the kick in the butt I needed to get myself on the right track. I am doing my best to work all this out…