Reflecting

So I haven't always thought I was a good judge of character. There have been many times when I didn't do such a good job. I try not to judge a book by it's cover. Or always take what people say about a person as the absolute truth and find the truth of a person myself instead. And there have been loads of times I have been fooled by a person. Whether they were friends or some one I had a relationship with. I spent a lot of time wishing for the best from someone and while knowing they weren't giving me their best.. Does that makes sense? Wishful optimism with pessimistic expectations. That's a type of oxymoron I think but anyhow.

I know I was more prone to these things when I was younger.. Yeah you treat be badly but I keep hoping you will see that and stop and treat me better.. I didn't set out to change anyone.. Because we all know you can't change people. But it's like seeing someone walk into a door they step back and say ouch I won't do that again on purpose. People don't walk into a door and say ouch I think I want to do that again. So why do you see people treat other people badly and continually do it. Is it just because they aren't actively hurting themselves or that they don't care that they hurt other people. Yeah granted the victims of these realtionships/friendships should speak up and say something or do something but maybe they are in that vicious cycle of hoping that person hurting them will see what they are doing and stop. (Yes I know I have been the victim of this cycle myself repeatedly) And I have been the one to hurt people unknowingly. But when I was confronted about what I was doing to that person I made a point to step back and stop what I was doing wrong to that person. I speak of my present and past experiences not a single incident. And it took me a long time to speak up when I was the one being hurt.. There is that optimism again hoping they will see what they were doing to me on their own.

I don't feel this is specific to any gender, age or race. Every one does this. But while talking to a friend last night and listening to how amazing this person is in their life and how great things are. While I could see with my own two eyes that this person wasn't that amazing and things didn't look so great. I had to bite my tongue from blurting out, Are You Nuts?! I don't feel this person doesn't know their own self worth. So why are they selling themsevles short? Of course it stops me and makes me look at my own self and wonder how may times I did the same thing. Warning flags and flashing signs screaming What are you doing Jess this person is not good for you! And comparing my friend's life experiences with my own I know they were parallel sometimes. How many broken relationships/friendships were littered through our pasts. Twists and turns and delt amazing blows to our pride and emotions. Times when you don't think you can go on. But there came a point when our lives certainly took two different directions. But it made me stop and see how long I put myself through hell. And how much more I have to learn about myself and those I bring or have in my life..

I know this blog is a bit random and I rambled a bit but it was just a bit of reflection.