Part of why I am unhappy..I think

OK so No I have not found the solutions to all my problems...I WISH! But I am starting to see some things that are contributing to my current attitude. But before that let's just lay it out so I may be clear. OK so yes I really dislike having financial problems. They keep you up at night, they make you sick to your stomach and so many other nasty side effects. On top of that talking finances really makes me uncomfortable. I have never really felt right talking about any one's finances. It just one of those things that makes me feel ill. See I still don't want to talk about it. Moving ON...
But anyhow, I am just getting back into a new work environment. I am cautious, I am a bit skittish, and to make it worse I am an over achiever. I know what I am capable of. I know what I am good at and I know I am a fast learner. But for the first time in my life I got laid off from a job. Yeah so did like, half the company but regardless, I was dispensable. That scares the hell out of me. I have always been good at my job. I work hard, I do as I'm told and more often than not I don't have to be told what to do. But now I am treading lightly where before I would of been blazing my own trail. I know I am doing good work where I am, I have been given more responsibility and my boss has flat out told me he is extremely pleased with my excitement for my job and how well I do it. But it seems I still seek approval and something I do not have a word for at the moment. This is new to me to do this. Another thing I am uneasy about.
I am for the most part raising my daughter alone. Yes I have my mother to help me and yes Aly's dad plays a part in her life but the bigger picture is I am raising her alone. I did not have to do this with Willow. I was married for her first nearly two years of life and my ex-husband and I shared that responsibility. When I was scared I had someone else to be scared with. When I was joyous I had someone else to be joyous with. The burdens and the excitement of raising a child were shared. There is nothing greater in my life than my daughters. I do everything in my power to provide for them, to be there for them and to guide them. But when you have no one to lean on when you are tired or worried it gets to be exhausting and you begin to second guess yourself a lot. I am a great mother, but have I made all the right choices when it comes to them. Willow is a bright and seeking young girl who is an amazing challenge to have. Through her I am learning so many new things and watching her become such a precocious child. Alyssa is just beginning to see the world. Every day she learns something new and 10 different ways to challenge me. She is the laughter in my life. No matter how bad my day is, I can look at her and know I have the most precious thing in the world in my life. My daughters are why I smile, why I wake up every day and know that my life has meaning and a greater importance.
Now speaking of my children at this stage in my life I have some how found a new understanding with Willow's father that we could not find even while married. Our pride and love for Willow has finally showed that we are equal even if in only this one thing. And for the time we are on the same level. My understanding and "level" with Aly's father is not the same right now. In the last 9 months Aly's dad has come into her life and has given Aly the daddy she adores. And she does adore him. I had my reservations in the beginning. Why shouldn't I? He had chose not to be a part of this wonderful child's life. And suddenly he's had a change of heart and wants in to her life. But I couldn't or wouldn't deny my daughter a chance to know her father or for them to find that love that grows between a daddy and his little girl. And boy did that love grow. Like I said she adores him there is no other way to describe it. I grew to trust him and to see the love he could have for his little girl. But recently some things have changed in her father's life that are going to be difficult for him and in the end I fear will be difficult for Aly. And that is where my problem lies. These changes could hurt my daughter. They may not. But that's the thing about being a mother you fear that which CAN hurt your child not only what IS hurting your child. You fear the things that haven't happened yet. He may choose once again that he doesn't want to be a part of her life. And I am the one who has to deal with that. I am the one who will have to try and explain this to her some day and help her understand. The one who will see the tears and the pain of having a parent walk away. I will be the one who will have to take away the hurt and keep that kind of disappointment from damaging her for the rest of her life. Or worse if I should be taken away too soon, leaving my child with no parent in her life. And can I find it in myself the strength and single-mindedness to fight and ensure she gets all that she deserves from him should he walk away. These things scare me like nothing else because they are out of my control. Do I trust him not to break our daughters heart, Yes. But can promises be broken, Yes. You may say it's borrowing problems by worrying about what hasn't happened but you become a mother and see how it feels. You give life to a person who has only you to protect and provide for them and you will see the world in a whole new way.
The rest of what I think is making me unhappy I'm not even sure I can share with anyone yet.

I'm still going to be me

There are people who don't like me. People who criticize me the way I run my life. People who say things to hurt me. People who do things to give me pain. People who will never understand my principles in life. People who will keep on trying to pull me down and say bad things behind my back…
But through it all, I don't change the way I live my life …


BECAUSE I DO NOT EXIST TO PLEASE THEM.



"BY persistently remaining single, you're slowly converting yourself into a PERMANENT PUBLIC TEMPTATION!"

Ladies and Gentlemen this is ME.

I am not a angry person. I am not a bitter person. Jaded I may be, but I have reason to be. I can be insecure, I can be emotional. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be even close to perfect. I don't bring people down. I don't envy people their success or fortune. I work every day to make my own way. I fight for what is mine. I am independent. I have a hard time asking for help. But I know that and work on that every way I can. I don't lie, cheat or steal. Nor do I deal with people who do. I don't tolerate people who lie by omission. A lie is a lie no matter how it looks. I don't tolerate people who insult my intelligence or who try and bring other people down. I admit my own mistakes. If I make my bed, I lie in it. I may not like it but I do it. I know my own short comings, I don't try to deny them. I work on them to make myself a better person.

I am many things, some good and some bad. I am kind, I am a good friend, I am a good daughter, I am a great mother. I respect those who respect me, I care for those who care for me. I am there for those who are there for me. I love those who love me. I am a shoulder to lean on for those who allow me to lean on theirs. I will listen to those who listen to me. I will give my hand, my heart and my life for those who would do the same for me. I will be there to share a laugh, a joke, a miracle, and all the other great things in life. I will also be there to share a tear, a loss, a separation, and a sorrow. I will be there when it seems no one else will.

I am emotional, I am impatient, I can be unforgiving, I can strike back when attacked, I will fight for what I believe it. I will defend what I hold dear to my heart. I will overcome what tries to tear me down or hold me back. I will not take your bullshit. I will remove that which tries to infect my life and cause harm. I will not allow others to rule me. I will not stand for those who won't stand for me.

I don't tolerate people who can't or won't own up to their mistakes. People who hide from their problems. You only make it worse by hiding from them. They will spin out of control,cause more damage than you can imagine and that can never be reversed. Damage that will effect the lives around you. I will protect myself and who I love from your irresponsibility.

I can be naive about those I care about. I tend to forgive to easily. I give second, third and fourth chance to those who might not of deserved the first chance. I have forgiven those who have hurt me, walked over me, used me and tried to destroy me. I carry the scars to remind myself to never let it happen again. I forgive but I don't forget.

I will not deal with people who are petty, childish, or hateful. I do not judge a book by it's cover. I do not criticize those who are different than me to make myself feel better. Nor do I blame others for my problems. Sure I would like to retaliate when some one belittles me, why not kick and scream like a child when someone or something in life is unfair. I do get angry, upset or pissed off. But I don't act out rashly because I won't allow them to drag me down to their level. Nor will I let their negativity infect my life or the lives of those around me. I am no push over but I know how to pick my battles. And I will win.

This is me. I am Jessica. This is who I am. Like it or not.