Tonight

I'm laying here tonight praying for sleep. But sleep won't come. I am missing the comfort of arms around me making me feel secure. Wishing for the faint feeling of steady breath rising and falling. Or the whisper of fingers on my face.The man in my dreams is laying with me in this bed at night. Our bodies entwined in sweet slumber. My hand resting on his chest feeling his heartbeat. My head craddled on his shoulder. His body keeping me warm all thru the night. I watch him so serene in his sleep. But tonight I am alone in this bed and dreams won't come.
There is no one here to pull me close and hold me.
So I lay awake and wonder how many nights will I lay here in this cold bed. With nothing to comfort me but my constant wish for someone to share my dream with.

Sex on Fire.....

Kings of Leon Sex on Fire.... This song is just down right addicting to me and I can't really explain to anyone why but it reminds me of some early 80s sound that I can't quite pick out but none the less here are the lyrics and go give it a try and see if it doesn't move you too...


Lay where you're laying
Don't make a sound
I know they're watching
They're watching

All the commotion
The killing of pain
Has people talking
They're talking

You
Your sex is on fire

Dark of the alley
The breaking of day
Head while I'm driving
I'm driving

Soft lips are open
Them knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying
You're dying

You
Your sex is on fire
And so
Were the words to transpire

Hot as a fever
Rattling bones
I could just taste it
Taste it

But it's not forever
But it's just tonight
Oh we're still the greatest
The greatest
The greatest

You
Your sex is on fire
You
Your sex is on fire

Consumed
by what's to transpire

And you
Your sex is on fire
Consumed
by what's to transpire.

Jessim

Ok so tonight during an enlightening conversation with Jackie I came upon the idea with her that I want to establish a new religion. The Jessism. It's a spin off of Mormons. (sp) In the mormon religion men can have as many wives as he wants but women can only have one husband. So I say my religion is women can have as many husbands as she wants but men can only have one wife.

It is nearly impossible to find a man with all the amazing quilities in one. Now let me elaborate a bit. I have had this convo with my friend Troy. Who I have come to find that he is as close as I think is possible to being the perfect man. Just not the perfect man for me. Hence we are great friends. Not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend right now either.

But back to the point at hand. In life women find that they continuly sacrifice certain aspects in every relationship big or small. Let's explain, Mary (all names have been changed to ensure privacy...lol) meets an incredible looking guy. He looks amazing, great body gorgeous face the works.. And with this he has an amazing attitude and personality. And he seems to not to have commitment issues for a lack of better words. And he can intellectualy stimulate her. Nearly a complete package. But once the intimate aspect comes to play, it falls far behind all his other amazing aspects. Whether it be his technique or lets be blunt he doesn't have the equipment to back it up. (which by the way gentlemen small or large equipment isn't nearly as big a problem if you are amazing with what you have. So don't get so hung up on this factor if you sway one way or the other. And if you find yourself reading this you know which side you fall on. wow.) So Mary finds herself sacrificing a great physical relationship because of all his other defining qualities.

Or Mary finds herself with a great looking guy who is a stallon in the sack. But his attitude just out right sucks and he can't find it in him to make a commitment to anything. Hell he can't even be solid in what he wants from you. And he can be a complete jerk. So you have a physical relationship but it soon fades because he has nothing more to offer her.

Let's go even farther into this, Mary finds herself in a relationship with a fine looking man, once again can fullfill the physical needs of the relationship and he is a complete sweetheart.. But he is dumber that a box of rocks. So once again she sacrifices something she enjoys because of the combination of attraction to him. But is soon bored to tears because all he can comprehend is the simplest of things...

And in strolls the man who makes Mary think and feel amazing things. He can hold up his side of conversation. He can satisfy her needs phsically. He has no issues with commitment but isn't what Mary would call overly attractive. This is what I see the most of because most times Mary will become more attracted to him because he completes her in the most important ways. And honestly I think this is the healthiest sacrifice to make. But by all means if you can't get beyond the outward appearance then you should end this one the quickest because this can be the most painful for both Mary and the guy. Yes it's a catch 22 I know. ( Wow Mary really gets around a lot doesn't she. And some of you would say she is easy or a slut. Don't get me started on the damn double standard on physical needs. It will get ugly and it's way too late for it.)

Now do you see what I am trying to get at? It's never all that you are looking for. Now whether that makes us to picky or complex I don't think so. Why lower your standards and your wants and needs just because no one else will raise theirs. Men do this all the time. I see more men married to complete idiots because they want a trophy and a vixen in the sack. Now I don't say this to degrade men. That is not what I am getting at. But why should anyone men or women not want the whole package and get it.

So this is where my new religion comes into play. Sorry guys you are just easier to please then us women it's a known fact that even confuses us sometimes. So Jessism will allow women to have more than one husband. One for each aspect of the whole package. If he has more than one of them then she needs one less husband to get all that she needs. One for the amazing body, one that feeds her sexual appetite, one that can compete with her on a intellectual level. One that does those amazingly sweet things like remember her favorite kind of flower and gives them to her for no reason. And one that views her with absolute devotion. See the genius in the concept. No more sacrificing what women want because no one man will give it to her.. Now this may sound selfish but hey you know what BIG DAMN DEAL. Doesn't everyone deserve to have all they want.

Now men may object to this idea because they could only have the one wife but hey we try our absolute best to mold ourselves into what men want every day. Maybe the tables need to finally turn. I guarantee you would understand us women much better this way. You would then know exactly what it is we want from you. No more guessing if you had done something wrong as long as you fullfilled your end of the bargin you signed on for. And not to mention we would then be completely happy and be able to fullfill your needs as well. Happy women always want to share the wealth with you.

Now you say my opinion maybe scewed, well I don't think so. Women for ages have sacrificed themselves for men. Or changed themselves to be what men wanted. If this isn't true you wouldn't see as many anorexic, tormented women trying to figure out what men wanted. The past has proven that women have always adapted to men's wants and needs. Hence the 1950's wife who met her husband at the door with a dry vodka martini perfectly groomed to his standards with dinner on the table and the amount of children he wanted. Who would do all the sexual acrobatics he wanted in the bedroom. Look at the other cultures of the world that are ages behind us where women can't even walk along side her huband because she is in servitude to him. Where women are used only for the means of bearing his children.

So I say let's flip the switch a bit. Whether you agree or disagree it causes you to think about it and maybe change the way you do things in your relationships. Maybe it's time we all re-evaluate ourselves and see what it is we want and need. And how we can better ourselves and others.. Ok I guess I am done for now. Getting off my soap box for tonight as it's 2:24 am. Feel free to agree or disagree but at least it's got you thinking one way or the other.

Don't let the chance pass you by

You have to let go and say your final good bye. You wish them well and start out on your own paths. You know it’s for the best but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You sever the tie and close that chapter of your life. You put away the pictures. The things you’ve done and the places you’ve been together become vague in your mind. Their memory slowly starts to fad. Happiness shared, laughter together, battle scars and tears cried become forgotten. Slowly your heart and head start to push this person into the deep depths of your past. You can no longer bring their face to mind. Their voice a distant sound in the breeze. Birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations and holidays pass and you no longer think to stop and call. Life goes on and you’ve lost a little part of youself with out even knowing it. You no longer notice or feel that slight emptiness where they used to be. Days go by and they don’t pop into your mind at those random moments any more. Just a whisper in the back of your mind that you can’t quite hear. In the time line of your life a connection, a friendship has shriveled up and died. Gone forever but you know not to shed any tears for what you have lost.....

Someone who had been in my life for long time is gone and I hadn’t realized I’d already said my final goodbye. Is there anything worse than losing a friendship who’s roots began to grow when you were just a child.

I’d never want to see you unhappy,
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost love
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?

So long my luckless happiness
My back is turned on you
I should have known you’d bring me heartache,
almost loves always do

And when you left
you told me you would never
ever forget these images the sweetest sadness in your eyes


Never miss the chance to tell someone in your life that you love them and what they mean to you because you don’t know if that will be your final goodbye.

Answers....

There are times in your life that you find that all the answers have been in you but you simply could not see them when all you had were questions in your mind. You can't see clearly and you feel you are a bit out of control. I call these my hormonal moments. When things in my life seem to be in a tail spin and I don't know which way is up or down. I get absorbed in the chaos. And luckily enough I have good friends who usually can help me find stability. Over the last few months I have let little things become huge things in my eyes even though I knew they were unimportant. But thru a combination of things I have identified some of the problems I was having. And seeing them I was able to resolve a few things with myself. By no means am I saying I have fixed everything. I know I can still have hiccups with these problems but being able to see them I can get better control of them and keep myself from becoming overly effected by them. And some I still find myself questioning...

I know they say patience is a virtue, but I find it hard to obtain that certain virtue. And I find myself fed up with some situations in my life. And yes I have sometimes sabotaged some of these events for whatever reason. Or pulling myself back into a comfortable and familiar situation. Even though I knew it wasn't going to fix anything. I didn't see why I was doing it but after I took a step back and looking at it I could see a few things I couldn't/wouldn't see before. I have tried substituting things in my life to try and fill a void in my life. I did this to make myself feel better. But even though they did bring me short lived happiness I knew that they weren't what I wanted. And sadly enough I hid what I truly wanted just so I could be momentarily happy. Sometimes taking it a bit too far when I started to feel my hopes lagging. I masked a lot of things from so many people. And sometimes there was no one around to see how certain things were really effecting me.

Only I know the course of events through the last year and how they have made me feel. I have a tendency to hold a lot of true feelings inside with the exception of a few people. But doing that I hurt myself. I held so much in that slowly it all started to pour out of me for little to no reason. You need to internalize something's but you can't hold it all inside. It has to be brought out and examined and dealt with or you never get over it. And it will start to control your life. A word of caution to this tale, you must be ready to deal with the people in your life you have these issues with. You need to examine how it effects you. And then look at how it will effect those other people.

There will come a time when you are strong enough to confront those people in your life that you have unresolved problems. And you may not get closure or comfort from voicing how you feel. But realize you are the stronger person for being able to bring it out into the open. And that may help them communicate with you. How are they supposed to know you have something you need to say if you don't tell them. But they may not be able to give you anything back. Don't let this discourage you. It may just take them a little more time to see how they feel about it. But getting your feelings out and into the open will help you find a way to deal with how you let them effect you.. I am trying this in my life. I have been able to deal with some things and have been getting the courage enough to say the things I haven't been able to say in the past. In some cases it has made things better for me. And so far in others I am still waiting to see how it will pan out. But I am making the effort to make myself feel better and maybe understand things much better. And with so much changing in my life right now I won't allow myself to fall back into the same pattern. I am just proud of myself for taking the first step. Those people who know I have started to work this out with thank you for understanding what was going on with me. And those who I am still working with I understand you may not know what to say yet but don't act like I didn't say anything. And the others for giving me the kick in the butt I needed to get myself on the right track. I am doing my best to work all this out…

What would you say?

If there is one good thing that can come from being stuck at home, it's catching up on some good old couch potato action.. Or, non-action, I guess one would say.

This morning I watched High Fidelity with John Cusak. I love that man, there is not one movie he has made that I don't like.

The movie kind of fell along the lines of looking back on your life and the choices you make. He is going through a break-up and decides to look back at his past 5 relationships and find out where he went wrong, or if, in fact, it was he that went wrong.

I ask you…

If you could get five of your exes in a room, individually, of course, what would you want to say to them, or.. What would you want to ask them?

I'll start.. Since it IS my blog and all..

In no particular order...



1. I would tell him that he needs to really grow up. That while I thought I loved him, I can see now that it wasn't a really true and deep love. More like an outlet for all the feelings I hadn't yet dealt with. He needs to stop looking back and trying to pull people back into his life just because he is scared that he may not of made the right choices.

I'd ask him why he held on so long when it wasn't what he wanted.

2. I would tell him that he effected me in ways I may never recover from. That while I can look at him as a distant friend now, I hold some very harsh feelings towards him for what all he put me through. That he needs to once and for all deal with all his past problems. And finally fess up to the fact that he isn't really a good guy. And contrary to popular belief I stopped waiting or wanting him some time ago.

I'd ask him if he will ever realize all the hurt he caused.

3. I would tell him that he seriously needs to get a handle on his life. That you can't keep blaming others for your own unhappiness. That I did love him beyond reason. And when I was finally brought into the light of what was really going on I went way too easy on him. I shouldn't of let him get away with all he had done. That it may seem to him he got what he deserved, it was no where near what he should of got. I will never be able to forget what happened between us and I hope that he will not be able to either.

I'd ask him if he realizes he can never fix his biggest mistake.

4. I would thank him for my daughter and giving me the chance to finally be the mother I wanted to be. While what we were doens't really fall into the category of "relationship" I enjoyed what I had with him and I look back at it fondly. That what I know now compared to what I knew then I see I didn't know who he really was and I am happy that I have had the chance to find out who he really is. That I am proud to see the steps he has taken to make some things right and that it has made a real difference in my life as well as others.

I'd ask him to never go back on the choices he has made and why it took him so long to step up.

5. I would tell him I'm sorry that I made some wrong choices in our marriage but that I wasn't the only who did. We both messed things up. I would of been able to just end things quietly if he hadn't been set to wreck my life. I wasn't the only one to screw things up and I never intentionally tried to make his life hell. That I haven't forgotten all the things he did following our split but that I let it all go. I'm glad that we can now be civil to each other for our daughters sake.

I would ask him to finally tell me the truth about it all.

Your Turn now.

Going to Hooters when you have TITS!!!!! It's a must read

Going to Hooters when you have TITS!!!!!


Hmmm hooters... good wings... good food... and now the knowledge of unreasonable prices... but service. Now we have all heard that the service at Hooters is outstanding... they are always there to service your every need... well I have a theory about all this.

#1... you get great service if you have a dick and balls... hell you could just have a dick... or just some balls... or hell how about you just dress up and make people believe that you are a man... if you look like you have testosterone (did i spell that big long word correctly????) running through your body then you will get good service... the reason for this is because unless you happen to find the waitress that is a lesbian or she believes you to be (which just because you are a woman and go to Hooters does not mean that you are looking at the women)... they can not flirt with you... or hell they just don't want to flirt with... therefore because they can't flaunt themselves in front of you they believe that they can not get good tips from you... so therefore the service that you receive is... hmmm what is that word... ahhh yes... SHIT!!!!!

Okay... now to explain... Mel, Jax and myself, went to Hooters this evening... where for some odd reason we had to wait a wonderful 15 minutes before we were even asked what we wanted to drink... okay then we get our drinks but we aren't quite ready to order... so we have to wait another 15 to 20 minutes to place our order... then the waitess doesn't even bring our food out... someone else does... not a problem... but at least return to check on us... okay so she finally comes back with some more drinks when we are almost done eating... and let me tell you we didn't scarf the food down either... so tell me why was the service so bad... now my friends say part of it might be that the waitress was just bad... but I think it might be because these days they put in your head that to get money at an establishment like this you have to flirt big with the men... no problem but you might get better tips from the females who see that you have to flaunt yourself in front of all these men and have them stare at you... hmmm think women might feel a little sympathy towards you and the way that you earn your money... granted you want to do this... but we understand it is good money and therefore will tip a decent amount to you for this... but if we get bad service... forget it... we figure that you just don't want to acknowledge that we are there because we don't have dicks... oh please... I have two friends that have worked at Hooters and they never would have treated me like this... how rude...

also... might I add... okay ladies I realize that we don't get the best of service at Hooters because we have a vagina and tits... but come on... you don't need a man to go to this place... get off your asses and go there... they have some decent food... okay so the prices really suck... $2 for a freaking ice tea... give me a break... but still occasionally they are good... but you ladies have to get out there too... because in the lengthy more than an hour that we spent there only two other females showed their faces and they were both with me... the rest of the men just sat there and stared at me and my friends like... oh women we might have a chance with... haha... please men... get a clue... okay so women just because its called Hooters and we have Hooters doesn't mean that we can't eat there...

and now that I have ranted and raved... I am going to go and spend a little bit of time with my friends here... so I will close... feel free to leave your rantings and ravings about Hooters... I will respond to all...

WHY THE HELL CAN'T I SLEEP!!

I know I should be in bed. I have not got a decent nights sleep in better than a week but here I am at nearly 1 am and typing and ready to rage so here it goes.....

WHY IS IT THAT IT SEEMS THAT WOMEN ALWAYS GET LEFT WITH THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE FROM A RELATIONSHIP. IT'S WOMEN WHO CAN BE PLAGUED BY A SONG FOR YEARS AFTER A BREAKUP. OR THE ONE WHO ENDS UP WITH THE TANGIBLE MEMORIES. I HATE THE FACT THAT IT HAS TAKEN FOUR YEARS TO FINALLY BECOME COMPLETE AGAIN BUT WITH ONE SINGLE THING EVERY THING CAN COME FLOODING BACK AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. IT'S DEMEANING TO ME TO STILL HAVE THESE DAMN FEELINGS WHEN I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO GET RID OF THEM WHEN IT ALWAYS SEEMS EASY FOR THE MAN TO LEAVE THEM BEHIND AND MOVE ON.

MEN DON'T LONG FOR WHAT THEY ONCE HAD. THEY DON'T GET BOMBARDED BY LONGING BY ONE LETTER. OR THEY CAN'T RECALL EVERY EMOTION THEY HAVE FELT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE. TRYING TO FIND ONE THING TONIGHT I RAN ACROSS A BOX I HAD TAPED SHUT AND INSIDE WERE A STACK OF LETTERS TIED WITH A BOW AND IN THOSE LETTERS IS EVERY WORD WE SAID TO EACH OTHER. THE PROMISES, THE FEELINGS, EVERYTHING WAS IN THERE. NOW I SEE WHY I HAD IT TAPED SHUT. BECAUSE EVERY TIME IT'S OPEN IT UPSETS ME. THE SMART THING TO DO WOULD BE TO BURN IT BUT I CAN'T DO THAT. IT WOULD BE LIKE ERASING EVERYTHING THAT WE SAID. ERASING A TIME IN MY LIFE. BUT YOU CAN ASK WHY KEEP SOMETHING THAT UPSETS YOU. BECAUSE THOSE EMOTIONS AND THOSE FEELINGS WERE REAL.

IN A SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIP EVEN WOMEN CAN FORGET EVERYTHING. IT DOESN'T HOLD OR HAVE AN EFFECT. BUT THOSE THAT WERE REAL WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. SOMETIMES IT WILL RUIN THE PERSON YOU ARE. I ALWAYS SAID THAT I WOULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME. BUT I HAVE. I HAVE LET EVERY FEELING THAT I GAVE RUIN THE HOPE THAT I HAD AND I DID THAT. I PINNED SO MUCH ON ONE PERSON AND WHEN IT DIDN'T WORK OUT I GAVE AWAY THAT HOPE AS WELL. NOW I HAVE IMITATED THOSE FEELINGS SINCE BUT ALWAYS I KNEW THAT I WASN'T ALLOWING ANYONE BACK INTO THOSE FEELINGS. IT PISSES ME OFF THAT I DID THAT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WILL FIND TRUE LOVE ANY MORE. I BELIEVE I WILL FIND SOMEONE TO FILL A NEED EITHER PHYSICAL OR ONLY A SLIGHT IMITATION. BUT FINDING A LOVE AGAIN I DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING. THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT IT SUCKS THAT I WASTED EMOTIONS ON THREE MEN AND NEVER GOT WHAT EVERYONE SEARCHES FOR.

IS IT MY FAULT THAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE WORTHY OF WHAT I HAD TO GIVE. I KNOW AT LEAST ONE OF THEM SURELY WASN'T BUT JOE AND JUSTIN REALLY STUMP ME. JUSTIN I KNOW NOW WAS MY "FIRST LOVE". THAT ONE YOU LEARN FROM THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GROW. I KNOW PLAZA WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT ONE TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE. BUT DAMN IF I DIDN'T HAVE JOE CONFUSED. I THOUGHT I HAD COME TO THAT ONE TRUE LOVE. THE ONE THAT CHANGES YOU FOR LIFE. AND HE DID, BUT DAMN IF IT DIDN'T CHANGE ME IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. IT IRKS ME THAT EVEN NOW I CAN SAY I STILL LOVE HIM. AND YES I LOVE HIM IN DIFFERENT WAYS. AND SOME OF THOSE WAYS CREEP UP ON ME WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT LIKE TONIGHT. WHAT IS SO DIFFERENT TONIGHT FROM ANY OTHER NIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU HOW, I WAS FACED WITH WHAT I HAD IN A VERY ROUGH WAY. I CAN SAY THE FEELINGS I HAD IN THOSE LETTERS WERE ALL THAT I HAD, ALL OF MYSELF POURED OUT FOR HIM. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FEELINGS HE HAD IN THERE? DO THEY STILL HAUNT HIM? DID HE REALL MEAN THEM? AND IF THEY WEREN'T REAL, THEN WERE MY FEELINGS REAL THEN EITHER? DID THEY ONLY BECOME REAL BY LOSING WHAT MADE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. DID I TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED WHEN I HAD IT? THEREFORE MAKING ALL OF IT JUST ANOTHER IMITATION OF THE REAL THING. AND NOW I HAVE LET THAT IMITATION RUIN ME.

I HATE QUESTIONING MYSELF. I LIKE QUESTIONING HIM MUCH MORE. DISLIKING HIM FOR IT IS MORE COMFORTABLE THAN DISLIKING MYSELF. BUT WHEN YOU ARE FACED WITH IT, IT SUCKS TO WANT TO RANT AND RAVE ABOUT IT. YOU THINK THAT IF YOU CAN TURN THOSE EMOTIONS OUT AND HATE THEM YOU'LL FEEL BETTER BUT YOU DON'T BECAUSE ONE THING CAN KNOCK YOU BACK ON YOUR ASS. WELL AT LEAST WITH ME IT CAN. IT SUCKS TO STOP AND THINK BACK ON YOUR LIFE FROM THIS DAY AND REMEMBER EACH YEAR PASSED WHERE YOU WERE AND WHAT YOUR LIFE WAS LIKE. AND DAMN IF IT DOESN'T HURT TO SEE HOW QUICKLY YOU CAN LOSE WHAT YOU WANTED SO MUCH. AND TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVEN'T LET GO WHEN YOU HAVE FOOLED YOURSELF INTO THINKING YOU HAVE. GGGRRRRR TONIGHT REALLY BLOWS AND I KNOW HOW MUCH HE HATED WHEN I ANALYZE AND TANGLE ALL THIS UP IN TODAY BUT IT DOES STILL HAUNT ME. TONIGHT I WAS JUST SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE EMOTIONS I HAVE GROWN TO BLOCK AND I WANTED TO QUESTION IT ONCE AGAIN. I KNOW HE MAKES IT HIS LIFES WORK TO BLOCK THESE THINGS OUT AND IT WORKS FOR HIM. TONIGHT IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME. BUT TONIGHT I AM WEAK AND IT DOES STILL HURT. AND EMOTIONALLY THESE WOUNDS STILL BLEED SOMETIMES. AND TOMORROW THESE THINGS WILL HIDE ONCE AGAIN..XOXOXOX

The Ex-Factor

"I was a fool to let you go."

"I wish we'd tried a little harder to make things work."

Ever heard a line like that from an ex? Didn't it make you feel a little ... nostalgic? Sympathetic? Pissed off?

Regardless if this sentiment is issued several months after a break-up or after many years, hearing these things from an ex that you once loved, trusted, adored, and perhaps wanted to spend the rest of your life with, is never easily reconciled. You start to take those trips down memory lane. Maybe by now, you've stopped dwelling on the bad things so much. Maybe you've forgotten that huge, ugly blow-up that tore you apart. Maybe for a moment, you're tempted into responding, "Let's give it another shot, what d'you say?" And maybe, if you're anything like me, you realize that the continuity of what you once had with this particular ex is irrevocably broken.

There's an old adage, "Too much water under the bridge." A storm hits; the water rushes wild and murky; debris washes up onto the banks. You wait a month or two until the water runs clear and the debris is removed. But after a long period of time and many storms, perhaps the bank has eroded or the river has dried up; maybe there isn't even a bridge there anymore. The landscape is no longer recognizable. This illustrates the difference between hearing "I was wrong" from an ex in that small window of time during which there is still a soulful connection between two people and hearing it years down the line, when both of you have diverged on so many different paths you barely resemble the people you were when you first met.

Being one part of a loving couple requires living together, growing together, making joint decisions -- all of those things that shape the people we become. The person who influences our lives the most should be that loving partner; being with them dictates our career choices, where we live, our relationships with our families, which interests we decide to pursue. They, in effect, cause us to "become." What part of this becoming has your ex contributed to your life since you last parted? Most likely, their role has been negligible, likely none. Really, all that remains in reality are some warm, cozy memories of how you first met, all the crazy things you did together, the great sex. But these are, remember, just illusions. Not real memories established through years of day-to-day existence with your ex. There has been a large period of time during which he or she existed without you. When he or she moved on in life.

Time is a patient teacher; like "The Karate Kid's" Mr. Miyagi, time curbs undesirable traits such as self-absorbed naval-gazing. Time gives you the objectivity to step back from the situation and assess from a very practical standpoint what it was about this particular relationship and this particular ex that would have never worked for you in the long run. Then there's the whole issue of sexual attraction to come to terms with -- which is often the last thing to go in a fading relationship. I've had many relationships end, but in most cases, losing that ZING! feeling whenever they were around was the very last to go, frustratingly enough. Time smoothes a balm on this, too. The same ex who once made you break out in a sweat at the mere smell of them fails to have the same effect after a certain amount of time, because there have been others who have erased that scent in your memory and replaced it with one of their own. Physical intimacy is no longer what you desire from your ex; without scheduled care and maintenance, it has become stagnant and unused, like a swimming pool in the winter.

Most of my ex's are wonderful people, diamonds in the rough who didn't yet possess the qualities (or level of maturity) needed to make a long-term relationship or marriage an actual go. The man who treated me the best was in one of my earliest relationships. He was kind, generous, sexy, happy with his life, and a real blast to be around. However, his impulsiveness drove him to take chances of a high-risk/low reward nature, and even I, almost 9 years ago, had already realized this wasn't going to fly. I ran into him a few years ago while visiting family. The story he told me was grim. He was married to a woman he didn't love; in fact, he barely knew her. She got pregnant on their third or fourth "date," something ridiculous like that, and because he was such a good guy, he married her and was committed to raising their son until he turned 18. He told me that he had profound regrets about "us," but I was secretly relieved. Sometimes those qualities -- qualities such as foolishness, philandering, over-spending -- are so deeply etched into a person's character, you've stopped expecting change.

After each relationship ends, we assess what went wrong, and then we set the standard just a little higher. There's nothing that brings on a severe case of the melancholies than realizing that you might still have a certain awesome love for a certain ex for all of the beautiful traits they possess. You can look back and see exactly where you went wrong and they went wrong, and dammit, why couldn't they just have done this or not done that? Why couldn't you have drawn the line here or there, moved more slowly or quickly? But no matter the "what if's," you know that you'd never again -- at least in this lifetime -- open your heart to them and invite them inside. They could bend over backward to prove themselves to you, they could try to sweep you away with the promise of renewed romance, but you know far too much. You've seen them at their worst. Their worst has probably caused you heartache, pain, disappointment, and lack of trust and respect. And maybe, just maybe, their worst is no longer something you can accept. It's not part of your new standard.