Moonlight

The moonlight shining in my window tonight seems lonesome and cold. I sit here looking at the the night sky. Not a whisper of a breeze is blowing but I can smell the comforting scents of fall. Though I find no comfort in them. Surround by the warmth of so many great things in my life. There still is somewhere deep inside me that they can not reach. While I know I have so much, I am still left with a sense of wanting. Searching always for something that has not yet been defined. Bringing doubts into my mind.
How do I find what I can not recognize? Even with clues and signs I still can not find my way. Like a ship lost at sea with no stars to guide me. I'm set adrift wandering the dark and rigid night. Wondering if when the dawn comes I'll find I'm already home. Or with out the light to guide me I'll crash upon the rocks. With such uncertainty I feel hopeless and alone. Ever wondering have I done something wrong. Did I miss what I was destined for? Or by chance did I simply just toss it aside always wanting something more? Can this really be how my life is meant to play out.
Knowing how grateful I should be for all I have done with my life. I still feeling like I will never have all the answers. While being able to block out that which scares me till the night closes in around me. How pretty the facade may seem, I know it's untrue. I reach out for help but know only I can find my way. But fear I'll always be lost in a half truth.
Unable to cast away that which binds me to this path. I can not see what is before me only what has passed. Will I never find what I'm searching for. So I still sit tonight looking out at the moonlight.

Yeah why not write I CAN"T SLEEP anyhow!!!

have come to find that it is never a good thing to try and comprehend anything in the wee hours of the morn. When your past comes back to haunt you and the things you can hide so deep all day long rise to the surface and plague your restless mind. As of late I don't sleep so much and have spent a good bit of that time on here writing. And in doing that I have shown how painful my life was over the last year and better. The things that I couldn't resolve but took time to finally let go. To except the things that I could never understand.

And it has been three years since my life changed in a very large way. Some of you may not understand how a relationship can possibly change your life. Well then maybe you have never had one that really touched you. But I won't drag this one out. So I continue, and in those three years since I won't say that I wasn't dragged back into the cycle it created or that I didn't go back into it willingly. Sometimes you can't see the damage around you. Or maybe you do but won't accept it because of what you need is among that damage or what you thought you needed. So I digress I spent at least half of that time still involved with the one who could make me forget the problems and see things his way. For short periods of time. Before the problems would arise and wedge themselves between us once again. And we would return to keeping our distance. It was a vicious cycle that neither of us would stop completely.



Whether either of us really knew why we did it I don't know. It's a fucked up relationship when you can say to the other person "Have I told you today that I hate you?" and know that what they are really saying is Have I told you today that I Love you? It certainly goes beyond my reaches tonight that you can possibly love some one and want to hate them at the same time. Does not sound like a healthy relationship, Yes I know. But then things had not always been that way you overlook the cracks in the foundation. I could never really pull myself out of harms way with him. So yes some of the pain I felt I could of avoided looking back. I could give you all sorts of reasons why but that's not here nor there. It took me time to finally seperate myself from him. And in some ways I never will be able to. And yes I caught myself sometimes in the latter part of those years after sliding back into the chaos he created. My own weakness I don't know.

But I pulled myself out of it and moved away from the temptation of it. And even still sometimes we would reach back and find those good times and reminise over them. Ignoring the time in between. All the time I was fighting with the scars I had from loving him. This is not a problem he seemed to have or to share at least. My fault or his that I seemed to of felt more deeply than him or maybe he just didn't have it in him and he thought he did. So when I finally had come to the bottom of my resolve. I started on from there. Knowing that everything had happened or had not happened had helped make me who I am today.

Whether you like who I am or not. I don't care. I am stronger person that I ever thought I would be. And yes there are times I question my strength but I stop and look at who I am today. I have survived the pitfalls in my life and moved on from there. Not to say that I don't still have some lingering pain. That I don't have somethings yet to resolve. But I am who I am. I can still fall prey to the memories of my past. And the uncertainties are still there to be answered some day. But I am as whole as I can be. And someday I will find all that I looking for. But in the mean time I can say that I love myself. I don't forget the past but I am working on my future. And sometimes I may fall. Falling is easy, it's the getting back up that is difficult.

Alone Tonight

The emptiness fills the room
And I begin to realize
That I am all alone tonight
I cannot shut my eyes

I know that I'm alone every night
But tonight it feels so wrong
With this feeling lurking in my mind
I know tonight will be long

The stillness frightens every inch of my mind
And sends shivers up my spine
I wish that I was not so lonely
But I tell myself I'm doing fine

I think of how I sit alone tonight
Without any hand to hold
I guess my destiny is to be lonely
Right to the very end

It looks like it's solitaire for me
I suppose I'll be alright
But for now I'll just have to get through
Being alone tonight.

Escape

escape… it’s a tickly, crawly little unsettling feeling. i felt it creeping up my arms as i stood at the sink, my hands wreathed in hot soapy water.

i sponged down an ice-cream bowl and tried to shake it, i squeezed my eyes shut and tried to absorb myself in the background noises- the music playing on the radio, the sound of the rain on the roof, the clinking of porcelain and silverware beneath my fingers. but the feeling seeped back slowly into the corner of my mind, drowning out all other senses.

‘escape,’ it said softly.
i sighed… so it begins again.

every couple months i am suddenly, without warning- overtaken with this overwhelming urge to escape, to change something i don’t understand. at times i have to sit alone for hours trying to figure out exactly what it is i want. and most times.. what i want is completely impossible, so i end up doing something stupid and desperate to try to shake that feeling, to feel grounded and find balance again.

several times i’ve pierced myself, or got a tattoo, or changed my hair.. it’s always something silly like that.

so i stood in the kitchen and toweled off my hands, desperately searching around in my mind for a scenario in which i could envision myself at peace again. the last time i felt this way was a tough one… i wanted to be in a foreign country (Ireland, really), with my family around me. we would be traveling the world. that was a particularly strong episode. and of course i could not bring this situation about, and did not think piercing something yet again or marring my body even further would calm my shaking heart down, so that time i just cried and cried for days.

i glanced down at the counter, at a mug of old coffee. this escape definitely involves coffee. i thought of all the familiar places- my friends’ houses, the various rooms in my house, the coffee shop, work. this escape definitely does not involve these places. it’s them i want to escape from, as usual, i think. and it’s not even as if they're constantly invading my space or pestering me or it’s just their essence permeates so thickly into every fiber, this city, that i cannot extricate myself from, and it's essences tire me.

i need coffee. and i need to be working on something, feeling productive. i need to be able to stay up all night in a place that isn’t my house, and know i won’t be kicked out. i need to feel comfortable.
and i need to be with someone who makes me feel like myself. i want to be with someone who loves me.

but that’s not going to happen, and i can’t seem to bring that about, no matter how hard i try to tell myself that i don’t need it, i don’t want it. so it appears as if this time i’ll just have to cry and cry again..

i wish i had a project or a major task to accomplish. so i can do all of these things- drink coffee and feel productive and be up 24-hours drinking Starbucks, hoping to bump into someone who might change my life.

but i don't, and my heart is tugging and bursting out of my chest in ESCAPE and trying to tear off to nowhere, and i cannot satiate it and guide it to a calm place to ease its shaking, and it begs me and throws itself against the walls of its cage and i feel my eyes tearing up and my lip beginning to tremble as i helplessly remain put, in this house, in this cage, and can do nothing but watch as my poor pleading heart breaks to pieces.

sigh. maybe i just need sad music. i just need to play music to whisk me away from this house, and coffee to calm my soul and drown my unsettled aching feelings with its warm, dark aroma. then maybe i’ll forget about all this world, this world full of alien joys and laughter and pain and heartbreak and anguish and colors, this world that doesn’t seem to involve me. that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me, that i witness and partake in, but refuses to share with me even a small portion of its colors.
and as i sit in my dark blue cave so separate from everything else i begin to watch this outside world with growing cynicism and bitterness, and begin to believe that i don’t want any part in it.

and that, i believe, is how a heart hardens.

Part of why I am unhappy..I think

OK so No I have not found the solutions to all my problems...I WISH! But I am starting to see some things that are contributing to my current attitude. But before that let's just lay it out so I may be clear. OK so yes I really dislike having financial problems. They keep you up at night, they make you sick to your stomach and so many other nasty side effects. On top of that talking finances really makes me uncomfortable. I have never really felt right talking about any one's finances. It just one of those things that makes me feel ill. See I still don't want to talk about it. Moving ON...
But anyhow, I am just getting back into a new work environment. I am cautious, I am a bit skittish, and to make it worse I am an over achiever. I know what I am capable of. I know what I am good at and I know I am a fast learner. But for the first time in my life I got laid off from a job. Yeah so did like, half the company but regardless, I was dispensable. That scares the hell out of me. I have always been good at my job. I work hard, I do as I'm told and more often than not I don't have to be told what to do. But now I am treading lightly where before I would of been blazing my own trail. I know I am doing good work where I am, I have been given more responsibility and my boss has flat out told me he is extremely pleased with my excitement for my job and how well I do it. But it seems I still seek approval and something I do not have a word for at the moment. This is new to me to do this. Another thing I am uneasy about.
I am for the most part raising my daughter alone. Yes I have my mother to help me and yes Aly's dad plays a part in her life but the bigger picture is I am raising her alone. I did not have to do this with Willow. I was married for her first nearly two years of life and my ex-husband and I shared that responsibility. When I was scared I had someone else to be scared with. When I was joyous I had someone else to be joyous with. The burdens and the excitement of raising a child were shared. There is nothing greater in my life than my daughters. I do everything in my power to provide for them, to be there for them and to guide them. But when you have no one to lean on when you are tired or worried it gets to be exhausting and you begin to second guess yourself a lot. I am a great mother, but have I made all the right choices when it comes to them. Willow is a bright and seeking young girl who is an amazing challenge to have. Through her I am learning so many new things and watching her become such a precocious child. Alyssa is just beginning to see the world. Every day she learns something new and 10 different ways to challenge me. She is the laughter in my life. No matter how bad my day is, I can look at her and know I have the most precious thing in the world in my life. My daughters are why I smile, why I wake up every day and know that my life has meaning and a greater importance.
Now speaking of my children at this stage in my life I have some how found a new understanding with Willow's father that we could not find even while married. Our pride and love for Willow has finally showed that we are equal even if in only this one thing. And for the time we are on the same level. My understanding and "level" with Aly's father is not the same right now. In the last 9 months Aly's dad has come into her life and has given Aly the daddy she adores. And she does adore him. I had my reservations in the beginning. Why shouldn't I? He had chose not to be a part of this wonderful child's life. And suddenly he's had a change of heart and wants in to her life. But I couldn't or wouldn't deny my daughter a chance to know her father or for them to find that love that grows between a daddy and his little girl. And boy did that love grow. Like I said she adores him there is no other way to describe it. I grew to trust him and to see the love he could have for his little girl. But recently some things have changed in her father's life that are going to be difficult for him and in the end I fear will be difficult for Aly. And that is where my problem lies. These changes could hurt my daughter. They may not. But that's the thing about being a mother you fear that which CAN hurt your child not only what IS hurting your child. You fear the things that haven't happened yet. He may choose once again that he doesn't want to be a part of her life. And I am the one who has to deal with that. I am the one who will have to try and explain this to her some day and help her understand. The one who will see the tears and the pain of having a parent walk away. I will be the one who will have to take away the hurt and keep that kind of disappointment from damaging her for the rest of her life. Or worse if I should be taken away too soon, leaving my child with no parent in her life. And can I find it in myself the strength and single-mindedness to fight and ensure she gets all that she deserves from him should he walk away. These things scare me like nothing else because they are out of my control. Do I trust him not to break our daughters heart, Yes. But can promises be broken, Yes. You may say it's borrowing problems by worrying about what hasn't happened but you become a mother and see how it feels. You give life to a person who has only you to protect and provide for them and you will see the world in a whole new way.
The rest of what I think is making me unhappy I'm not even sure I can share with anyone yet.

I'm still going to be me

There are people who don't like me. People who criticize me the way I run my life. People who say things to hurt me. People who do things to give me pain. People who will never understand my principles in life. People who will keep on trying to pull me down and say bad things behind my back…
But through it all, I don't change the way I live my life …


BECAUSE I DO NOT EXIST TO PLEASE THEM.



"BY persistently remaining single, you're slowly converting yourself into a PERMANENT PUBLIC TEMPTATION!"

Ladies and Gentlemen this is ME.

I am not a angry person. I am not a bitter person. Jaded I may be, but I have reason to be. I can be insecure, I can be emotional. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be even close to perfect. I don't bring people down. I don't envy people their success or fortune. I work every day to make my own way. I fight for what is mine. I am independent. I have a hard time asking for help. But I know that and work on that every way I can. I don't lie, cheat or steal. Nor do I deal with people who do. I don't tolerate people who lie by omission. A lie is a lie no matter how it looks. I don't tolerate people who insult my intelligence or who try and bring other people down. I admit my own mistakes. If I make my bed, I lie in it. I may not like it but I do it. I know my own short comings, I don't try to deny them. I work on them to make myself a better person.

I am many things, some good and some bad. I am kind, I am a good friend, I am a good daughter, I am a great mother. I respect those who respect me, I care for those who care for me. I am there for those who are there for me. I love those who love me. I am a shoulder to lean on for those who allow me to lean on theirs. I will listen to those who listen to me. I will give my hand, my heart and my life for those who would do the same for me. I will be there to share a laugh, a joke, a miracle, and all the other great things in life. I will also be there to share a tear, a loss, a separation, and a sorrow. I will be there when it seems no one else will.

I am emotional, I am impatient, I can be unforgiving, I can strike back when attacked, I will fight for what I believe it. I will defend what I hold dear to my heart. I will overcome what tries to tear me down or hold me back. I will not take your bullshit. I will remove that which tries to infect my life and cause harm. I will not allow others to rule me. I will not stand for those who won't stand for me.

I don't tolerate people who can't or won't own up to their mistakes. People who hide from their problems. You only make it worse by hiding from them. They will spin out of control,cause more damage than you can imagine and that can never be reversed. Damage that will effect the lives around you. I will protect myself and who I love from your irresponsibility.

I can be naive about those I care about. I tend to forgive to easily. I give second, third and fourth chance to those who might not of deserved the first chance. I have forgiven those who have hurt me, walked over me, used me and tried to destroy me. I carry the scars to remind myself to never let it happen again. I forgive but I don't forget.

I will not deal with people who are petty, childish, or hateful. I do not judge a book by it's cover. I do not criticize those who are different than me to make myself feel better. Nor do I blame others for my problems. Sure I would like to retaliate when some one belittles me, why not kick and scream like a child when someone or something in life is unfair. I do get angry, upset or pissed off. But I don't act out rashly because I won't allow them to drag me down to their level. Nor will I let their negativity infect my life or the lives of those around me. I am no push over but I know how to pick my battles. And I will win.

This is me. I am Jessica. This is who I am. Like it or not.

Spineless

Your smile it doesn't fool me, and your bullshit makes me sick, I may have been a crazy once, but I am not that thick. To think that as you stand before and never matters raise. Means you won't from behind my back pull stunts designed to phase.

You never bring it up with me, for reasons that you know. But nothing you could ever do would ever stop me grow. And anger as it churns inside and taunts my spastic gut. Just motivates if given time and veers me from a rut.

You sow your seeds of cancerous form and some may let them land. And all along I feel the unseen presence of your hand. In dealings so insidious that some will never see. But think again you low life for I swear you won't beat me.

If karmic law does have a place in universal time. I'll long to see the fruit from my perpetual bloody climb. And I hope to christ I see the day you get what you deserve. Your not so great that you won't fall, and you are lacking nerve.

If I came in and stirred things up and people I upset. I'd understand your bickerings, expect your words, but yet. I do not grieve the underdog, but neither do you speak. Right to my face, it's always others sanctions that you seek.

So what's your problem spineless one, your feathers are a mess. Have I somehow grieved you or unnerved you more or less. And why do you try so hard to infect the minds of friends. And never ever come to me or try and make amends?

My thoughts are fairly simple when it comes to how you act. You've things to hide, why else would you so woundingly react? But stab again I beg of you, my spirit welcomes pain. For without it I am now assured there never would be gain.

You know my past but I know yours, and nasty isn't me. But what have I to undertake to keep my present free? I will not stop the work I do or lifestyle I pursue. And never will I fully bow to pressure spawned from you.

I may draw breath and pull back hurt, my energy to gain. But as long as justice isn't served my passion will remain. And just like you I will not say this message to your face. I wouldn't let my anger your deprived and small mind grace.

So carry on your petty ways and make the most my friend. For I am certain we will see where truth lies in the end. I know that by and large I am an okay person too. Not in your eyes as it would seem, but I've no respect for you.

Ok Try to Keep up...Here we go....

OK so most of you know by now that I was laid off from DayJet two weeks ago...Talk about major freaking out going on here that day and the days after. I mean HELLO I lost my job and well yeah if it was only me I would of been upset but it's not just me. I have Alyssa to provide for and a monthly child support check that goes to take care of Willow's needs. So there have been some sleepless nights in the last two weeks. We all know what the state of the economy is like right now and what the job market is like...(SCARY!!!!) I live in a college town and it being May this town is flooded with graduates with their bright shiny diploma in their hands knocking on opportunities door. So I had my fears about how long it would be before I was back to work and being the bread winner. But this time opportunity came knocking at my door. One of the pilots (Burt) I had been working with called me just days after I was laid off to inform me that the Manager of the charter service company right next door to DayJet was expecting a call from. Burt informed me that he had spoken with said manager about me and that he was willing to see what I was all about. This next bit can be a bit long winded so I am going to try and make it as short and sweet as I can..

Wednesday~ Called the manager and set up a time on Thursday to come in and speak with him about my abilities.. (take note that there were no openings being advertised for this company at this time nor had anyone said they were looking to hire any new employees)

Thursday~ Bright and early met with the Manager for said meeting. Spent a good bit of time with him before I was turned over to another manager to get a more in depth idea of my experience. Both meetings went well and had an over all good feeling that I made a good impression.

Friday~ received call from Manager to set up lunch the following Monday to go over a few more things.

Monday morning~ Got another call from Manager to cancel lunch but that they were very interested in hiring me but that it probably wouldn't be till July, at the earliest mid June maybe.

Tuesday~ Received call from the second manager I had spoke with to come in on Friday to review a few things and give me a general idea of what I could possibly be doing.

Friday~ Went in to speak with the second manager to review job. Spent just over 3 hours with him and the others reviewing the upcoming projects and getting a game plan for what all had to be done. Later that afternoon got a call from them that they would like me to start this Monday.

So I went from unemployed to considered for a position to being hired for more than one position and reporting to work all in two weeks time. I have been VERY lucky to have all this happen the way it has. There are no words for how up and down my life has been these past two weeks. I am beyond excited at the opportunity that has pretty much landed in my lap.

In the waiting time these two weeks I have had the chance to do stuff at the house that I never seem to have the time to do like finish the painting(like climbing onto the roof to paint the damn chimney!), pressure wash, sand and paint the deck, remove old lattice, remove weeds from the yard in preparation of the rock garden. Start the rock garden.The list does actually go on but I need my rest tonight so that I am fresh and ready to take on my new job tomorrow......

On a brief side note...My head FREAKING hurts...I have a knot the size of a goose egg on top of my head where the towel rack decided to take a bite out of me just a while ago as I was cleaning up after bath time..OUCH!!!!

So I've been doing some thinking....

As I sat outside tonight admiring the moon(something I have been known to do often) After I got off or work. (which was tedious at best tonight) I got a message from a long time friend who I don't always get to talk to on a regular basis. We did our quick catching up and the fact that my birthday is coming up came up...(ok aside from my usual WOO HOO it's nearly my birthday feelings since we all know I love celebrating my birthday in big ways..Hey what can I say it's my semi-special day to celebrate ME) It has become slightly noticable to me that I will be turning 27 this year. I am no longer in my early 20s and on the backside of the mid-20s.

It got me to thinking about all the years that have come and gone in my life. (if you haven't noticed I mark my life by significant days ie birthdays, new years etc...) Where I was on my past birthdays or who I was with stick in my mind. In a odd way there has nearly always been big things going on in my life around the time to celebrate the day of my birth. I got my divorce in the same week as my birthday some years ago. (now that's one birthday I will never forget) But I digress, so I started thinking about what all has surrounded my birthdays in the years passed. I have had some super amazing birthdays. Not by what I received but by who I had spent the day with. I have always had amazing friends to share my birthday with. This year they are spread out too far to get to spend the day with them. One is in Colorado,one in Kentucky, another in Maine, and another in South Carolina and 2 right here in the state of Florida but still highly unlikely that I will be able to see them. I have always celebrated my birthdays with my friends and getting to spend the day with them being silly or just having a really good time together..

Once again I digress, looking way back at my 18th birthday. I look back at who I was then and where at that time I thought I would be when my late 20s came. I realize that at 18 you have no idea what life is really like and that you can't expect to be exactly who you thought you would be now at that age. But there are somethings I certainly thought I would be doing or have already done. Now some of those things I have done but failed miserably at. And some others I try to do every day. And others I am no where near. Is it logical to wish you were where you thought you would be? Or more realistic to see that you may not be where you wanted to be but you have had the chance to make that place evolve as you have gotten older? Is where I am better than where I thought I wanted to be because I have had to sacrifice to get here. Had to learn and earn my way here. Or have I lost the track that I had set for myself. Every journey in life you will have slight detours, you can't go though life without them but have I veered off on one of those detours too far? So tonight I'm trying to figure out if in the end I will be where I ultimately wanted to be regardless of how I get there....