Reflecting

So I haven't always thought I was a good judge of character. There have been many times when I didn't do such a good job. I try not to judge a book by it's cover. Or always take what people say about a person as the absolute truth and find the truth of a person myself instead. And there have been loads of times I have been fooled by a person. Whether they were friends or some one I had a relationship with. I spent a lot of time wishing for the best from someone and while knowing they weren't giving me their best.. Does that makes sense? Wishful optimism with pessimistic expectations. That's a type of oxymoron I think but anyhow.

I know I was more prone to these things when I was younger.. Yeah you treat be badly but I keep hoping you will see that and stop and treat me better.. I didn't set out to change anyone.. Because we all know you can't change people. But it's like seeing someone walk into a door they step back and say ouch I won't do that again on purpose. People don't walk into a door and say ouch I think I want to do that again. So why do you see people treat other people badly and continually do it. Is it just because they aren't actively hurting themselves or that they don't care that they hurt other people. Yeah granted the victims of these realtionships/friendships should speak up and say something or do something but maybe they are in that vicious cycle of hoping that person hurting them will see what they are doing and stop. (Yes I know I have been the victim of this cycle myself repeatedly) And I have been the one to hurt people unknowingly. But when I was confronted about what I was doing to that person I made a point to step back and stop what I was doing wrong to that person. I speak of my present and past experiences not a single incident. And it took me a long time to speak up when I was the one being hurt.. There is that optimism again hoping they will see what they were doing to me on their own.

I don't feel this is specific to any gender, age or race. Every one does this. But while talking to a friend last night and listening to how amazing this person is in their life and how great things are. While I could see with my own two eyes that this person wasn't that amazing and things didn't look so great. I had to bite my tongue from blurting out, Are You Nuts?! I don't feel this person doesn't know their own self worth. So why are they selling themsevles short? Of course it stops me and makes me look at my own self and wonder how may times I did the same thing. Warning flags and flashing signs screaming What are you doing Jess this person is not good for you! And comparing my friend's life experiences with my own I know they were parallel sometimes. How many broken relationships/friendships were littered through our pasts. Twists and turns and delt amazing blows to our pride and emotions. Times when you don't think you can go on. But there came a point when our lives certainly took two different directions. But it made me stop and see how long I put myself through hell. And how much more I have to learn about myself and those I bring or have in my life..

I know this blog is a bit random and I rambled a bit but it was just a bit of reflection.

It's a living breathing creature trying to get out tonight

It would seem that there are forces outside my control that are helping keep me from unleashing the anger I have in me tonight. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to explain and get out the anger I have tonight in this blog when my screen just shut down. My words erased, my feeling taken with it. So the little voice in me that is struggling with exhaustion of being up for the last 41 hours. That has been trying to keep my anger from lashing out tonight got a little help keeping the anger in me that seems to be it's own living breathing animal trying to get out tonight and ripping into those who are causing me grief. I am on the brink of complete exhaustion and that makes me more susceptible to my emotions. I lose the control I have to keep my anger inside and not lash out at those who hurt me or cause me pain. Cause right now that's what I want to do and somehow the cosmos and technology have found a way to keep me from doing so. So one more night you who have angered me are safe from my wrath and turning your hurtful ways back on you. I am not a angry person as a rule. I keep my anger in and vent it when I can in safe healthy ways but riding on this wave of exhaustion I would gladly drown you all in my pain and disappointment with out a backward glance.. So I leave you with the words that reminded me of a friend who reached out to me even though I am far beyond his physical reach and reminded me of those who actually value me and don't try to placate me with their cowardly bull shit.

In loneliness, in sickness, in confusion-the mere knowledge of friendship makes it possible to endure, even if the friend is powerless to help. It is enough that they exist. Friendship is not diminished by distance or time, by imprisonment or war, by suffering or silence. It is in these things that it roots most deeply. It is from these things that it flowers." -Pam Brown