Yeah why not write I CAN"T SLEEP anyhow!!!

have come to find that it is never a good thing to try and comprehend anything in the wee hours of the morn. When your past comes back to haunt you and the things you can hide so deep all day long rise to the surface and plague your restless mind. As of late I don't sleep so much and have spent a good bit of that time on here writing. And in doing that I have shown how painful my life was over the last year and better. The things that I couldn't resolve but took time to finally let go. To except the things that I could never understand.

And it has been three years since my life changed in a very large way. Some of you may not understand how a relationship can possibly change your life. Well then maybe you have never had one that really touched you. But I won't drag this one out. So I continue, and in those three years since I won't say that I wasn't dragged back into the cycle it created or that I didn't go back into it willingly. Sometimes you can't see the damage around you. Or maybe you do but won't accept it because of what you need is among that damage or what you thought you needed. So I digress I spent at least half of that time still involved with the one who could make me forget the problems and see things his way. For short periods of time. Before the problems would arise and wedge themselves between us once again. And we would return to keeping our distance. It was a vicious cycle that neither of us would stop completely.



Whether either of us really knew why we did it I don't know. It's a fucked up relationship when you can say to the other person "Have I told you today that I hate you?" and know that what they are really saying is Have I told you today that I Love you? It certainly goes beyond my reaches tonight that you can possibly love some one and want to hate them at the same time. Does not sound like a healthy relationship, Yes I know. But then things had not always been that way you overlook the cracks in the foundation. I could never really pull myself out of harms way with him. So yes some of the pain I felt I could of avoided looking back. I could give you all sorts of reasons why but that's not here nor there. It took me time to finally seperate myself from him. And in some ways I never will be able to. And yes I caught myself sometimes in the latter part of those years after sliding back into the chaos he created. My own weakness I don't know.

But I pulled myself out of it and moved away from the temptation of it. And even still sometimes we would reach back and find those good times and reminise over them. Ignoring the time in between. All the time I was fighting with the scars I had from loving him. This is not a problem he seemed to have or to share at least. My fault or his that I seemed to of felt more deeply than him or maybe he just didn't have it in him and he thought he did. So when I finally had come to the bottom of my resolve. I started on from there. Knowing that everything had happened or had not happened had helped make me who I am today.

Whether you like who I am or not. I don't care. I am stronger person that I ever thought I would be. And yes there are times I question my strength but I stop and look at who I am today. I have survived the pitfalls in my life and moved on from there. Not to say that I don't still have some lingering pain. That I don't have somethings yet to resolve. But I am who I am. I can still fall prey to the memories of my past. And the uncertainties are still there to be answered some day. But I am as whole as I can be. And someday I will find all that I looking for. But in the mean time I can say that I love myself. I don't forget the past but I am working on my future. And sometimes I may fall. Falling is easy, it's the getting back up that is difficult.