The Ex-Factor

"I was a fool to let you go."

"I wish we'd tried a little harder to make things work."

Ever heard a line like that from an ex? Didn't it make you feel a little ... nostalgic? Sympathetic? Pissed off?

Regardless if this sentiment is issued several months after a break-up or after many years, hearing these things from an ex that you once loved, trusted, adored, and perhaps wanted to spend the rest of your life with, is never easily reconciled. You start to take those trips down memory lane. Maybe by now, you've stopped dwelling on the bad things so much. Maybe you've forgotten that huge, ugly blow-up that tore you apart. Maybe for a moment, you're tempted into responding, "Let's give it another shot, what d'you say?" And maybe, if you're anything like me, you realize that the continuity of what you once had with this particular ex is irrevocably broken.

There's an old adage, "Too much water under the bridge." A storm hits; the water rushes wild and murky; debris washes up onto the banks. You wait a month or two until the water runs clear and the debris is removed. But after a long period of time and many storms, perhaps the bank has eroded or the river has dried up; maybe there isn't even a bridge there anymore. The landscape is no longer recognizable. This illustrates the difference between hearing "I was wrong" from an ex in that small window of time during which there is still a soulful connection between two people and hearing it years down the line, when both of you have diverged on so many different paths you barely resemble the people you were when you first met.

Being one part of a loving couple requires living together, growing together, making joint decisions -- all of those things that shape the people we become. The person who influences our lives the most should be that loving partner; being with them dictates our career choices, where we live, our relationships with our families, which interests we decide to pursue. They, in effect, cause us to "become." What part of this becoming has your ex contributed to your life since you last parted? Most likely, their role has been negligible, likely none. Really, all that remains in reality are some warm, cozy memories of how you first met, all the crazy things you did together, the great sex. But these are, remember, just illusions. Not real memories established through years of day-to-day existence with your ex. There has been a large period of time during which he or she existed without you. When he or she moved on in life.

Time is a patient teacher; like "The Karate Kid's" Mr. Miyagi, time curbs undesirable traits such as self-absorbed naval-gazing. Time gives you the objectivity to step back from the situation and assess from a very practical standpoint what it was about this particular relationship and this particular ex that would have never worked for you in the long run. Then there's the whole issue of sexual attraction to come to terms with -- which is often the last thing to go in a fading relationship. I've had many relationships end, but in most cases, losing that ZING! feeling whenever they were around was the very last to go, frustratingly enough. Time smoothes a balm on this, too. The same ex who once made you break out in a sweat at the mere smell of them fails to have the same effect after a certain amount of time, because there have been others who have erased that scent in your memory and replaced it with one of their own. Physical intimacy is no longer what you desire from your ex; without scheduled care and maintenance, it has become stagnant and unused, like a swimming pool in the winter.

Most of my ex's are wonderful people, diamonds in the rough who didn't yet possess the qualities (or level of maturity) needed to make a long-term relationship or marriage an actual go. The man who treated me the best was in one of my earliest relationships. He was kind, generous, sexy, happy with his life, and a real blast to be around. However, his impulsiveness drove him to take chances of a high-risk/low reward nature, and even I, almost 9 years ago, had already realized this wasn't going to fly. I ran into him a few years ago while visiting family. The story he told me was grim. He was married to a woman he didn't love; in fact, he barely knew her. She got pregnant on their third or fourth "date," something ridiculous like that, and because he was such a good guy, he married her and was committed to raising their son until he turned 18. He told me that he had profound regrets about "us," but I was secretly relieved. Sometimes those qualities -- qualities such as foolishness, philandering, over-spending -- are so deeply etched into a person's character, you've stopped expecting change.

After each relationship ends, we assess what went wrong, and then we set the standard just a little higher. There's nothing that brings on a severe case of the melancholies than realizing that you might still have a certain awesome love for a certain ex for all of the beautiful traits they possess. You can look back and see exactly where you went wrong and they went wrong, and dammit, why couldn't they just have done this or not done that? Why couldn't you have drawn the line here or there, moved more slowly or quickly? But no matter the "what if's," you know that you'd never again -- at least in this lifetime -- open your heart to them and invite them inside. They could bend over backward to prove themselves to you, they could try to sweep you away with the promise of renewed romance, but you know far too much. You've seen them at their worst. Their worst has probably caused you heartache, pain, disappointment, and lack of trust and respect. And maybe, just maybe, their worst is no longer something you can accept. It's not part of your new standard.