WHY THE HELL CAN'T I SLEEP!!

I know I should be in bed. I have not got a decent nights sleep in better than a week but here I am at nearly 1 am and typing and ready to rage so here it goes.....

WHY IS IT THAT IT SEEMS THAT WOMEN ALWAYS GET LEFT WITH THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE FROM A RELATIONSHIP. IT'S WOMEN WHO CAN BE PLAGUED BY A SONG FOR YEARS AFTER A BREAKUP. OR THE ONE WHO ENDS UP WITH THE TANGIBLE MEMORIES. I HATE THE FACT THAT IT HAS TAKEN FOUR YEARS TO FINALLY BECOME COMPLETE AGAIN BUT WITH ONE SINGLE THING EVERY THING CAN COME FLOODING BACK AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. IT'S DEMEANING TO ME TO STILL HAVE THESE DAMN FEELINGS WHEN I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO GET RID OF THEM WHEN IT ALWAYS SEEMS EASY FOR THE MAN TO LEAVE THEM BEHIND AND MOVE ON.

MEN DON'T LONG FOR WHAT THEY ONCE HAD. THEY DON'T GET BOMBARDED BY LONGING BY ONE LETTER. OR THEY CAN'T RECALL EVERY EMOTION THEY HAVE FELT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE. TRYING TO FIND ONE THING TONIGHT I RAN ACROSS A BOX I HAD TAPED SHUT AND INSIDE WERE A STACK OF LETTERS TIED WITH A BOW AND IN THOSE LETTERS IS EVERY WORD WE SAID TO EACH OTHER. THE PROMISES, THE FEELINGS, EVERYTHING WAS IN THERE. NOW I SEE WHY I HAD IT TAPED SHUT. BECAUSE EVERY TIME IT'S OPEN IT UPSETS ME. THE SMART THING TO DO WOULD BE TO BURN IT BUT I CAN'T DO THAT. IT WOULD BE LIKE ERASING EVERYTHING THAT WE SAID. ERASING A TIME IN MY LIFE. BUT YOU CAN ASK WHY KEEP SOMETHING THAT UPSETS YOU. BECAUSE THOSE EMOTIONS AND THOSE FEELINGS WERE REAL.

IN A SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIP EVEN WOMEN CAN FORGET EVERYTHING. IT DOESN'T HOLD OR HAVE AN EFFECT. BUT THOSE THAT WERE REAL WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. SOMETIMES IT WILL RUIN THE PERSON YOU ARE. I ALWAYS SAID THAT I WOULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME. BUT I HAVE. I HAVE LET EVERY FEELING THAT I GAVE RUIN THE HOPE THAT I HAD AND I DID THAT. I PINNED SO MUCH ON ONE PERSON AND WHEN IT DIDN'T WORK OUT I GAVE AWAY THAT HOPE AS WELL. NOW I HAVE IMITATED THOSE FEELINGS SINCE BUT ALWAYS I KNEW THAT I WASN'T ALLOWING ANYONE BACK INTO THOSE FEELINGS. IT PISSES ME OFF THAT I DID THAT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WILL FIND TRUE LOVE ANY MORE. I BELIEVE I WILL FIND SOMEONE TO FILL A NEED EITHER PHYSICAL OR ONLY A SLIGHT IMITATION. BUT FINDING A LOVE AGAIN I DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING. THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT IT SUCKS THAT I WASTED EMOTIONS ON THREE MEN AND NEVER GOT WHAT EVERYONE SEARCHES FOR.

IS IT MY FAULT THAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE WORTHY OF WHAT I HAD TO GIVE. I KNOW AT LEAST ONE OF THEM SURELY WASN'T BUT JOE AND JUSTIN REALLY STUMP ME. JUSTIN I KNOW NOW WAS MY "FIRST LOVE". THAT ONE YOU LEARN FROM THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GROW. I KNOW PLAZA WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT ONE TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE. BUT DAMN IF I DIDN'T HAVE JOE CONFUSED. I THOUGHT I HAD COME TO THAT ONE TRUE LOVE. THE ONE THAT CHANGES YOU FOR LIFE. AND HE DID, BUT DAMN IF IT DIDN'T CHANGE ME IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. IT IRKS ME THAT EVEN NOW I CAN SAY I STILL LOVE HIM. AND YES I LOVE HIM IN DIFFERENT WAYS. AND SOME OF THOSE WAYS CREEP UP ON ME WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT LIKE TONIGHT. WHAT IS SO DIFFERENT TONIGHT FROM ANY OTHER NIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU HOW, I WAS FACED WITH WHAT I HAD IN A VERY ROUGH WAY. I CAN SAY THE FEELINGS I HAD IN THOSE LETTERS WERE ALL THAT I HAD, ALL OF MYSELF POURED OUT FOR HIM. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FEELINGS HE HAD IN THERE? DO THEY STILL HAUNT HIM? DID HE REALL MEAN THEM? AND IF THEY WEREN'T REAL, THEN WERE MY FEELINGS REAL THEN EITHER? DID THEY ONLY BECOME REAL BY LOSING WHAT MADE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. DID I TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED WHEN I HAD IT? THEREFORE MAKING ALL OF IT JUST ANOTHER IMITATION OF THE REAL THING. AND NOW I HAVE LET THAT IMITATION RUIN ME.

I HATE QUESTIONING MYSELF. I LIKE QUESTIONING HIM MUCH MORE. DISLIKING HIM FOR IT IS MORE COMFORTABLE THAN DISLIKING MYSELF. BUT WHEN YOU ARE FACED WITH IT, IT SUCKS TO WANT TO RANT AND RAVE ABOUT IT. YOU THINK THAT IF YOU CAN TURN THOSE EMOTIONS OUT AND HATE THEM YOU'LL FEEL BETTER BUT YOU DON'T BECAUSE ONE THING CAN KNOCK YOU BACK ON YOUR ASS. WELL AT LEAST WITH ME IT CAN. IT SUCKS TO STOP AND THINK BACK ON YOUR LIFE FROM THIS DAY AND REMEMBER EACH YEAR PASSED WHERE YOU WERE AND WHAT YOUR LIFE WAS LIKE. AND DAMN IF IT DOESN'T HURT TO SEE HOW QUICKLY YOU CAN LOSE WHAT YOU WANTED SO MUCH. AND TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVEN'T LET GO WHEN YOU HAVE FOOLED YOURSELF INTO THINKING YOU HAVE. GGGRRRRR TONIGHT REALLY BLOWS AND I KNOW HOW MUCH HE HATED WHEN I ANALYZE AND TANGLE ALL THIS UP IN TODAY BUT IT DOES STILL HAUNT ME. TONIGHT I WAS JUST SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE EMOTIONS I HAVE GROWN TO BLOCK AND I WANTED TO QUESTION IT ONCE AGAIN. I KNOW HE MAKES IT HIS LIFES WORK TO BLOCK THESE THINGS OUT AND IT WORKS FOR HIM. TONIGHT IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME. BUT TONIGHT I AM WEAK AND IT DOES STILL HURT. AND EMOTIONALLY THESE WOUNDS STILL BLEED SOMETIMES. AND TOMORROW THESE THINGS WILL HIDE ONCE AGAIN..XOXOXOX